Lattes and stupid people. What could possibly go wrong?
“Remember the song they used to play here all the time? The do-do-duh-do one,” Old Hair Guy says. His hair trails down below his belt—something you don’t typically see on someone who’s a veteran AARP member. Sing it with me, OK? The barista smiles and says, “I haven’t ever heard that one.” “You know the … Read more
When I was in highschool we didn’t have smartphones, and after seeing a couple teenage girls in the coffee shop today I’m so, so glad. Selfie Girl worked her hair and her boobs to get just the right shot, and I’m betting the boy she sent it to doesn’t share my sentiment about youth with … Read more
This woman has a really bad relationship with her boyfriend, and she finally found out all these things she hadn’t been able to get him to say before by chatting with him over Facebook. How do I know, you ask? Because she said so outside the coffee shop on her speaker phone. Facebook & cell … Read more
He sits down, pops open his laptop, and throws on his headphones. He starts typing in frantic bursts that look like his thumbs are about to fly off his hands. And then he stops and looks up with a glare so intensely cold it’s as if nitrogen snow forms in the air between him and … Read more
“No, I didn’t bring any books. I have an iPhone.†That’s how the Light Speed Lover started his college biology tutor session. “I think you should consider joining me on a date event,†he said. His tutor was so very nonplussed. Ima wanna date, mmmkay? “Look,†his tutor said. “You really need to have your … Read more
He shows up at the coffee shop first, pensively waiting, then smiles when she walks in and hugs him. “Hey,” he says, “I’d love to take you out on a date.” Friends, this does not end well. Nothing like a public crash and burn, kids. “Good Morning” from Singin’ in the Rain is playing over … Read more
“You see, there’s the two places. Well, rooms, actually. It’s set up so there’s one for men and one for women,” he says. “You use the one for women.” So apparently this man thinks his wife has never used a public restroom. Ever. Ima tell you how toilets work “So anyhow, they have a toilet … Read more
“I’ll have a double latté and hey, what kinda phone you got,” Cell Phone Sales Guy asks the barista. “I hope it’s not wanna them iPhones. They don’t got the 4G.” People, my coffee shop is totally a target-rich environment. My signal strength is going up.  “I mean, Mac is OK and all, but they … Read more
“Well, we had sex, but I didn’t reveal myself to her physical lover,” he says. No, really. That’s what he said. I swear to God, people, it’s like this guy is begging me to write about him. Let’s get physical  Seems Mr. Horizontal Mambo knows what he wants, and doesn’t have any problem talking … Read more
“I have to buy a new car,” he says. “Why?” she asks. Dude. Stop talking. Now. “The electrical system is failing, and it’s cheaper to buy a new car than fix this one,” he says. “You just have a tail light out,” she says. “That’s what happens when the electrical system fails,” he says. “…” … Read more