Fresh Brewed Tales

You know what totally rocks? When people who clearly have no clue tell baristas how to do their job. And by “rocks,” I mean, “Hey, you! Out of the gene pool!”

I don’t know what the drink is, but you’re doing it wrong.

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And lo, a darkness rolled over the land snuffing out all in its path, raining despair and grief in its hateful swath of destruction. No, wait. It just these two guys sitting in the coffee shop who Won’t. Stop. Bitching.

It’s bitch-a-palooza day!

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Technology is a beautiful thing. It can bring us together now matter how great the distance that keeps us apart, lets us share those special moments we’d other wise miss, and say those special things that come from the heart. Well, assuming they can actually hear us.

Ima talking louder!

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I’m all for taking your computer to the coffee shop. In fact, I do it all the time. But your iMac? Holy Grabthar’s Hammer, dude. You brought your iMac to the coffee shop?

Pick it up with two hands. It’s portable, right?

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I never work hard to hide the fact that I’m snapping photos of people in coffee shops and most people are so unaware of their surroundings that they never even notice. Blatant Man, however, has a few things he can teach me about sneaking photos of women. No, wait. That’s creepy. He has a few things he can teach me about being creepy.

Ima not takin’ your picture, right?

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He shuffles in with that I’m-so-cool-and-dejected look, drops into a chair, lets out a loud sigh and asks, “Did that phone ring?” He points to the candy bar cell phone on the floor, then asks again, “Did that phone ring.” And in that moment I realize that there’s a higher power sending these people to me so I can tell you about them. This is my blessing; this is my curse.

You be watching’ my calls, mmmkay?

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The moon loomed heavy over the horizon, eclipsing all in its path. Its blue glow casting… OK, enough with the imagery: Dude hung his ass over my table. Really.

Mind if I butt in? That’s what I thought.

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“You see, there’s the two places. Well, rooms, actually. It’s set up so there’s one for men and one for women,” he says. “You use the one for women.” So apparently this man thinks his wife has never used a public restroom. Ever.

Ima tell you how toilets work

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The couple slid closer together and their voices dropped down to little more than whispers. “It’s just there,” he said. “We should take it.”

Finders keepers, beyotches!

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The human body is a beautiful thing to see, and that’s one of the reasons we use the magic of Google to find us some good porn. Of course, we’re all responsible grown ups here with a good sense of discretion, so we always make sure our hunt for photos that would make our moms blush is done with at least a little privacy. Or not.

Just doin’ a little… research

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